In My Never Ending Quest For MORE!

I've been reading again. Autism again. I go through gluttonous Autism research for a couple of weeks, then fast, and try to absorb.

One of the books I picked up, I can't even read because the author is too extreme, in a psychotic over-involved parent way. One of the other books I picked up was recommended to me, by a woman I know. Her son was diagnosis with autism, and after reading the book, and taking their guidance, her son is not autistic. Not to say that there wasn't a mis-diagnosis to begin with, but the book is hitting all the right triggers with me. The author is also extreme, but in a philosophic, academic way. What kills me is that the book was written in the '70's. And their experience when they took their son to docs is pretty much what mine was. A lot of conflicting comments, and no solid advice. The only real exception was that institutionalization was mentioned to them, and they don't mention that any more. I heard the exact same comments about a condition that is affecting all of the kids, and they haven't hardly progressed since 1976. That's 30 years.

But, like I said, the author is very philosophical. He talks a lot about accepting what is. Not saying there is no hope, but allowing yourself to enjoy your child, and to be happy, even when it seems callous to not be unhappy. This is something that has been bothering me for the last year or so. I, by nature and by choice, am a genuinely happy person. With all of the things that are going on in my life, I sometimes think that people think I don't care about the issues that surround me. I do, deeply. But I love Alex. I love hanging out with him, and he cracks me up. We laugh a lot. It's when I'm nervous about what other people are going to say or think about his behavior that he acts out more. Or it seems that way to me sometimes. When we take him to a non-fast-food restaurant, and I'm worried that he'll jump the booth and start yanking on another dinner's hair. Or when I take him to a family function, and I'm worried that someone will take Alex's behavior as a comment on my parenting. Because of course those comments don't just get murmured and forgotten, they get passed around, and someone winds up with hurt feelings. I think I am going to wean myself off of worrying about that aspect of Alex's life. Time is too short, and I really do enjoy being with him. I think in a way, I've been selfish, worrying about what people might think of me. I need to worry about what Alex thinks about.

Best quote out of this book so far, "For us the question: could we kiss the ground that others had cursed?" - Son Rise, by Barry Kaufman.